Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
two words: eviction party
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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