I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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