Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
