I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
