I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Can you bring me the toilet please
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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