The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
