My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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