And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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