my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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