brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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