I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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