last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize