Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
