i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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