The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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