After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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