so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
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