I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
