My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
