I cannot find my penis.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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