we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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