i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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