listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
