I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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