Pants 0. Shit 1.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
