I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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