Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
