Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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