everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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