I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
