ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
