First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
