I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
