Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
