Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Sober January is a disaster.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
