I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
