dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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