just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize