I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
