My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Did you just see the Batmobile???
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize