I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Girls should come with a carfax report
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Dicks are not precious.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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