I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize