Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
