Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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