its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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