i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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