Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
