you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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