I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
