I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
