I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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