first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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