Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
