Barsexuality is the new black.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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