I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
