why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
