I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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