I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
