My first STD was from a foam party
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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