i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
