i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I am spending my child support on dildos
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
