You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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