Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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