It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
