And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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