He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
