I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
