I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
