Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
