Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Randomize
