wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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