thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
