Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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